How To Find That Special Anyone
Let's be honest, dating is a tough racket and Valentine's Day is no picnic if you don't have a significant other to spend it with. But lucky for you guys we've made it our duty to compile all the world's knowledge on the subject of love. We've assembled some of our more insightful finds to help you find that special someone, or anyone, to spend the holiday with.
Step 1: Choose a Strategy
Courtship or Dating? It's a question that has puzzled mankind for literally hours. Luckily our Christian friends have solved this little conundrum for us.
Step 2: Getting The Date
What's a guy or gal to do to find that perfect prospective date? Simple. Join a video dating service and let the hotties come to you. Be sure to be ultra discerning, though. You've got a lot to offer, don't sell yourself short.
Step 3: Seduction
Seduction seems to be a lost art and from our experience we'd say that it was lost inside of a Salvation Army in Wisconsin. These two clips explore the two most important phases of seduction—being a creep on the date and being a borderline rapist once you con your target to go home with you.
Goldie Interruptus
Hollywood's most important expert on the subject of sex is here to tell you all you need to know about it, with the help of a panel of eleven year olds.
Step 4: Let's Go Steady
Now it's time to deal with the realities of having a significant other. You have to do nice things to keep the relationship healthy. The best way to do that is to spend money. And who better to help out than home shopping's dynamic duo, John & Johnny. These buffoons know even less about what women want than you do.
The Consequences
Uh oh, what's that you say? Your lover isn't so pure and virginal after all and they happen to have "Animated Herpes?" No worries, just get yourself a basketball and slam dunk that STD!
The Alternative (AKA The Best Option)
Seem like a lot of work to find "The One," seduce them, keep them happy and avoid disease? It sure does to us. You could always just stay at home and enjoy your own company, if you catch our drift. Danny and his Blobbit know what we're talking about.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
Your pals,
Nick & Joe
