1st Annual Found Footage Academy Awards
Now that the Oscar dust has settled and the best- and worst-dressed movie stars have been determined, it’s time for the First Annual Found Footage Academy Awards (“The Footies”). It’s where we roll out the filthy red carpet and hand out second-hand bowling trophies for outstanding achievement in the VHS arts and sciences. Results are tabulated by the accounting firm of PriceWaterhouse Coopers.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN – Princess Kitty’s Handlers
Any flamboyant lady with a sewing machine can make costumes for actors in stuffy period dramas, but it takes a special breed of crazy to design outfits for a reluctant cat. Here, Princess Kitty wears a shiny but elegant gown with pink gossamer trim, forcibly draped over her by her two Footie Award-winning handlers.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG – The California Big Hunks Cop Song
In videos, as in movies, music plays an important role in conveying the drama and emotions of a story. Never has that been more apparent than in “California Big Hunks,” where this tuneless, ambling, arrhythmic melody helps underscore the sexiness of this cop fantasy. Either that or a cat fell on the keyboard.
BEST DOCUMENTARY – “Cheering Makes School Fun”
At long last, Jim W. Hawkins gets his due for his long-running public access documentary series, “Cheering Makes School Fun.” Jim is a stalwart journalist who, for more than ten years, has explored the issue of cheerleading and how fun it makes school. He’s also a man who’s not afraid to ask the tough questions, like, “What’s with all the bright cheery clothes today?”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - That Jamaican Guy From The Third Floor
Leading men get all the attention, but a good supporting actor can make or break a video, especially a video about workplace harassment. Sure, the host of this video hogs the screen time, but it’s the scene-stealing presence of That Jamaican Guy From The Third Floor – onscreen for only a couple of seconds – that makes this video truly unforgettable.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – The Mozzarella Stick-Eating Lady
There are no small parts, just small actors. Danny DeVito, for example. But when an actress has a small, thankless role and really gives it her all, she deserves to be commended. In “Real Wisconsin Cheese,” the Mozzarella Stick-Eating Lady at :39 made us believe that she was not only eating a mozzarella stick, but really enjoying it.
BEST ACTOR – Chris, “McC”
In his brave portrayal of a McDonald’s custodian on his first day of the job, Chris made us all stand back and say, “Wow!” See more of Chris’s Footie-winning performance, including the gut-wrenching urinal cleaning scene, on the Found Footage Festival Vol. 1 DVD.
BEST ACTRESS – The 976-SUDS Caller
In just 60 seconds, the star of this 976-SUDS commercial portrays a wide range of emotions—inquisitiveness, shock, joy, worry—all while reacting to pre-recorded soap opera news. It wasn't the next best thing to being there; it was like we were actually there. Bravo!
BEST PICTURE – “Computer Beach Party”
Finally, in what should come as a surprise to no one, “Computer Beach Party” wins the Footie for Best Picture. Many people complained that this 1987 sex comedy was blatantly pandering to the Academy’s love of computers, beaches, poorly-dubbed dialogue, and chicken cars, but “Computer Beach Party” holds its own as a solid sail buggy genre film. Confused? See the film for yourself during the Found Footage Festival’s Bad Movie Night Tour, coming to select cities this summer. Details will be announced soon in the FFF newsletter.
Special thanks to Bruce Villanch for all the zingers in this post.
