The 1st Annual Found Footage Academy Awards
Now that the Oscar dust has settled and the best- and worst-dressed movie stars have been determined, it’s time for the First Annual Found Footage Academy Awards (“The Footies”). It’s where we roll out the filthy red carpet and hand out second-hand bowling trophies for outstanding achievement in the VHS arts and sciences. Results are tabulated by the accounting firm of PriceWaterhouse Coopers.
BEST COSTUME DESIGN – Princess Kitty’s Handlers
Any flamboyant lady with a sewing machine can make costumes for actors in stuffy period dramas, but it takes a special breed of crazy to design outfits for a reluctant cat. Here, Princess Kitty wears a shiny but elegant gown with pink gossamer trim, forcibly draped over her by her two Footie Award-winning handlers.
BEST ORIGINAL SONG – The California Big Hunks Cop Song
In videos, as in movies, music plays an important role in conveying the drama and emotions of a story. Never has that been more apparent than in “California Big Hunks,” where this tuneless, ambling, arrhythmic melody helps underscore the sexiness of this cop fantasy. Either that or a cat fell on the keyboard.
BEST DOCUMENTARY – “Cheering Makes School Fun”
At long last, Jim W. Hawkins gets his due for his long-running public access documentary series, “Cheering Makes School Fun.” Jim is a stalwart journalist who, for more than ten years, has explored the issue of cheerleading and how fun it makes school. He’s also a man who’s not afraid to ask the tough questions, like, “What’s with all the bright cheery clothes today?”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR - That Jamaican Guy From The Third Floor
Leading men get all the attention, but a good supporting actor can make or break a video, especially a video about workplace harassment. Sure, the host of this video hogs the screen time, but it’s the scene-stealing presence of That Jamaican Guy From The Third Floor – onscreen for only a couple of seconds – that makes this video truly unforgettable.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – The Mozzarella Stick-Eating Lady
There are no small parts, just small actors. Danny DeVito, for example. But when an actress has a small, thankless role and really gives it her all, she deserves to be commended. In “Real Wisconsin Cheese,” the Mozzarella Stick-Eating Lady at :39 made us believe that she was not only eating a mozzarella stick, but really enjoying it.
BEST ACTOR – Chris, “McC”
In his brave portrayal of a McDonald’s custodian on his first day of the job, Chris made us all stand back and say, “Wow!” See more of Chris’s Footie-winning performance, including the gut-wrenching urinal cleaning scene, on the Found Footage Festival Vol. 1 DVD.
BEST ACTRESS – The 976-SUDS Caller
In just 60 seconds, the star of this 976-SUDS commercial portrays a wide range of emotions—inquisitiveness, shock, joy, worry—all while reacting to pre-recorded soap opera news. It wasn't the next best thing to being there; it was like we were actually there. Bravo!
BEST PICTURE – “Computer Beach Party”
Finally, in what should come as a surprise to no one, “Computer Beach Party” wins the Footie for Best Picture. Many people complained that this 1987 sex comedy was blatantly pandering to the Academy’s love of computers, beaches, poorly-dubbed dialogue, and chicken cars, but “Computer Beach Party” holds its own as a solid sail buggy genre film. Confused? See the film for yourself during the Found Footage Festival’s Bad Movie Night Tour, coming to select cities this summer. Details will be announced soon in the FFF newsletter.
Special thanks to Bruce Villanch for all the zingers in this post.
FFF SXSW Party: "Computer Blip Bloop Bullshit"
If you'll be in Austin during SXSW Interactive Week, come see us at our official SXSW party, "Computer Blip Bloop Bullshit!" on Monday night, March 15. It's a free party. Tell your friends and help spread the word! No SXSW badges or wristbands will be required, but you do have to be 21+.
We're co-hosting with our friends at Brooklyn Brewery and Busted Tees to celebrate the success of our new website foundfootagefest.com, and another fantastic year for Brooklyn-brewed beer and Busted Tees continued domination of the hilarious t-shirts market.
Special thanks go out to our sponsors at The AV Club, The Onion, and Maria The Date Coach for their support.
See you there!
New Favorite Production Company
In the last month we've found two videos released by a company called "Wildlife Unlimited." From what we've seen, they've produced two ill-conceived homemade nature videos with some remarkable VHS cover art. We found this first one at a thrift store in Milwaukee. The all-caps synopsis feels like we're being yelled at.
Here's the other one that was found yesterday in a Whitewater, WI thrift store. Our favorite part on the back cover is how the problem is immediately remedied by Tanglefoot.
How To Find That Special Anyone
Let's be honest, dating is a tough racket and Valentine's Day is no picnic if you don't have a significant other to spend it with. But lucky for you guys we've made it our duty to compile all the world's knowledge on the subject of love. We've assembled some of our more insightful finds to help you find that special someone, or anyone, to spend the holiday with.
Step 1: Choose a Strategy
Courtship or Dating? It's a question that has puzzled mankind for literally hours. Luckily our Christian friends have solved this little conundrum for us.
Step 2: Getting The Date
What's a guy or gal to do to find that perfect prospective date? Simple. Join a video dating service and let the hotties come to you. Be sure to be ultra discerning, though. You've got a lot to offer, don't sell yourself short.
Step 3: Seduction
Seduction seems to be a lost art and from our experience we'd say that it was lost inside of a Salvation Army in Wisconsin. These two clips explore the two most important phases of seduction—being a creep on the date and being a borderline rapist once you con your target to go home with you.
Goldie Interruptus
Hollywood's most important expert on the subject of sex is here to tell you all you need to know about it, with the help of a panel of eleven year olds.
Step 4: Let's Go Steady
Now it's time to deal with the realities of having a significant other. You have to do nice things to keep the relationship healthy. The best way to do that is to spend money. And who better to help out than home shopping's dynamic duo, John & Johnny. These buffoons know even less about what women want than you do.
The Consequences
Uh oh, what's that you say? Your lover isn't so pure and virginal after all and they happen to have "Animated Herpes?" No worries, just get yourself a basketball and slam dunk that STD!
The Alternative (AKA The Best Option)
Seem like a lot of work to find "The One," seduce them, keep them happy and avoid disease? It sure does to us. You could always just stay at home and enjoy your own company, if you catch our drift. Danny and his Blobbit know what we're talking about.
Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!
Your pals,
Nick & Joe
Our Trip To A/V Geeks Headquarters
Last week in Raleigh, our good pal Skip Elsheimer - the mastermind behind A/V Geeks - invited us to check out his massive archive of 16mm educational films at his wonderfully cluttered home. Holy shit!
Skip has over 23,000 films scattered throughout the former boarding house. The range of subjects is incredible. On one shelf we saw "Rutabagas: The Root of Good Eating," "Chickenomics," and "Facts About Backs." Here are some of our other favorite titles:
Let's Make A Sandwich.
Sperm.
This entire stack is great. Not sure which is my favorite. Probably "Clown."
And last but not least...
Big Snit.
We ended the afternoon in style - sitting on Skip's well-worn couch and watching the hard-to-find sequel to "ABC's Of Sex Education For Trainables" which he projected on his living room wall. What a day! Thanks, Skip!
MLK On VHS
We were at a used book store in Wisconsin last week and found this animated video, "Our Friend, Martin: A Magical Movie Adventure," about the life of Martin Luther King, Jr. Apparently, to honor Dr. King's legacy, the store marked it down from 89-cents to just a quarter. Talk about a "dream" bargain!
We haven't watched the video yet, but judging by the cover, it is a fitting tribute to man who famously said (and we're paraphrasing here): "I have a dream that one day little black boys will be able to join hands with little white boys and ride giant skateboards back through time." Happy Martin Luther King Day!
Look What Johnny Ryan Made For Us
Our good pal, Johnny Ryan—the dude who did the artwork for the cover of FFF Vol. 4—sent us this wonderful illustration of the legendary Bargain Bernie. We're considering a tattoo.
He also sent us another one that we're not going to post because Nick's grandma occasionally visits this site and she would be horrified. If you're a true Johnny R. fan and have to see it, drop us a line and we'll email it to you. If you're not a Johnny R. fan, you should be. Go here.
Video Cover Of The Week: Mysterious Doings
Nick received this gem as a Christmas gift. It was a gift that kept on giving for an excruciating 31 minutes.
We Found A Hawk Jones!
Every time you find a Hawk Jones you have to make a wish (we're wishing for more Hawk Jones). Found in West Allis, WI (thrift store capital of the world).
Watch the trailer now!
Safety!
The Found Footage Fest office is now the safest place on Earth, and here's why: over the last month we've been given a bunch of extraordinary industrial safety videos. Check out a few of these recent contributions. Your well-being may depend on it.
Thanks to the guy in Minneapolis for this one:
Thanks to our pal, Joe Garden, for spending 50 cents on this one:
Thanks to the nice woman in Eau Claire who stole this one for us:
